Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
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