I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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