I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
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just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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