Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
