the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
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I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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