here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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