Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Little spoons don't ask big questions
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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