May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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