just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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