we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
