Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
