Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one