Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool