I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
