Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
