drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
