Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
