where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
