I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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