my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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