there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
