yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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