I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
