Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
