wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
