I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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