i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
