I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
