it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
