I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
