I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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