My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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