i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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