I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.