Define "chronic" masturbator.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
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i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
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I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?