theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
