You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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