You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just gift wrapped bread.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
