I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
