I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
