I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
