We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
