new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
