The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
