the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
