at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
