Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
