when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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