I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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