Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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