Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
