If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
