I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
