Your dad touched me again.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
