Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
