i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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