I cannot find my penis.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
