Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
