god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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