I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
