found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
