we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
